They say that there is nothing new under the sun. Maybe that is why the thoughts of this blog are reminiscent of a blog I wrote in November, "The Passion of the D." I had a really good conversation with M tonight. An almost four-hour long conversation. The kind of conversation that you don't expect to have when you call, but that you knew all along that you needed. I normally wouldn't specifically mention the person with whom I conversed in a scenario like this, because it is generally irrelevant to the relation of the story. I mention her in this case because she is my "big sister." Ever since I moved to Regina in the first place, she took me on as a "little brother," and has always been there for me in that sisterly kind of role, of which I am of course in consistent need. Anyway, we had a really good conversation tonight. About me. Not in the self-pitying or self-servient way, but in the way that someone who knows you really well is able to tell you things about yourself that you don't admit even if you do realize them, and who says the kind of things you need to hear even if you don't really want to hear them. Yeah, it was that kind of conversation. M is a very discerning person, and her wisdom, coupled with that of people around me, has led me to understand several things about me and where I am in life.
1. I am not in a very good place in life.
2. It is okay to need other people when in that place.
3. That place will not last forever.
4. I cannot wait to make appropriate changes until I am out of that place, though there are changes that cannot be made until that point.
5. Things will get better.
One thing I have been struggling with all year has been external factors and internal motivations. How much is determined by design, circumstance, or by personal decision. The best answer I have been able to come up with is that in my case this year it has been a permutation of the three. Ergo, I need to eliminate those external factors (which will happen in three weeks' time) in order to create circumstances that will be more favourable to making better decisions. That does not absolve me from making any of those choices now, but it is a recognition of the fact that there are certain circumstances which are making it more difficult to be able to make those choices right now. Part of this is the whole search about what makes me, me. My passions and desires. I think I know, but I'm not sure. I need some time to figure that out and grow up. Ah, the perennial D resolution, that it's time to grow up. Maybe I should just stop talking about it and it will happen. Hrm hoom. Oh, the conundrum that is Turner. By which I mean me.